The 12 Days Of Christmas
While not really cooking related, it’s cooking-adjacent. I mean, what else are you gonna do with all of those birds?!? Not sure if anyone knows the real source of this, but if someone does, please let me know. I think I originally read a (cleaner) version of this in Herb Caen’s column in the San Francisco Chronicle long ago.
25 December
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
26 December
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves…. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
27 December
Dear John:
Oh, aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist…. you’re just too kind.
Love Agnes
28 December
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
29 December
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
30 December
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
31 December
John:
What’s with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There’s bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t sleep all night. IT’S NOT FUNNY…….So stop with those birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
1 January
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can’t move into my own house. Just lay off me. .
Ag
2 January
Hey:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You’ll get yours.
From Ag
3 January
You Creep!
Now there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call these sluts “ladies”. They’ve been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and furthermore, they have diarrhea. my living room is a river of shit. The City Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to show cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m calling the cops on you……….I mean it!!!
One who means it, Ag
4 January
Listen Idiot:
What’s with the eleven Lords-a-Leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through all the maids, and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead…they were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you moron.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
5 January
From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
-Merry Christmas